Red Riding Hood oppresses
Wolf:
There once was a young
person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full
of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer
if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a
nurture-giver whom she sometimes referred to as "Mother," although she
didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person
if a close biological link did not, in fact, exist.
Nor did she intend to
denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry
if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her
to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her
grandmother's house.
"But Mother, won't this
be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn
the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother
assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special
compassionate mission exemption form.
"But, Mother, aren't
you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother
pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all
women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
"But, Mother, then
shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and
should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother
explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and
besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that
would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be
oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to
independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother
explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally
handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these
conditions were inferior to what some people called "health."
Thus Red Riding Hood felt
that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother,
and so she set off.
Many people believed that
the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that
this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a
patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource,
and hence believed that natural predators were, in fact, intolerable
competitors.
Other people avoided the
woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that, in a
truly classless society, all marginalized peoples would be able to "come
out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's
house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path in order
to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find
herself standing before a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher
had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking
control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialog with the wolf.
She replied, "I am
taking my grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The wolf said, "You
know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods
alone."
Red Riding Hood said,
"I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it
because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of
which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to
the main path, and proceeded toward her grandmother's house.
But because his status
outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style
thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and
ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid,
traditionalist gender-role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled
under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the
cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty-free snacks to
salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The wolf said softly,
"Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said,
"Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am
optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an
enormous - er - what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could
have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such
societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very
big, sharp teeth you have!"
The wolf could not take any
more of these specialist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his
accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and
opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor grandmother cowering in his
belly.
"Aren't you forgetting
something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my
permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The wolf was so startled by
this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the
woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried
the woodchopper.
"And what do you think
you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me
now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would
lead to poor self-esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance
exams."
"Last chance, sister!
Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed
the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden
motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got
here in time," said the wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me
in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the
real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my
anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm
going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the
wolf.